Life Is Short

Sometimes you freak out. Life doesn´t give you what you want - though, compared to others, you life is wonderful, great and oh-so-easy.
But to you?
Grey, wrong and exhausting.

It´s just a matter of the right point of view, no?

Do I have a point here?

I dunno.

I freaked out. I couldn´t carry all that what was meant to be for me.
I made myself ugly, or rather ugliest.

And now, I pay for it.

And I feel life is unfair.

Just what was that yesterday????? What was that for?
I drove to Hannover, to the Hospital (did I mention? That smell... too often I had to smell it, it is typical for suffering, for death, ohhhh yips, I am theatrical today!!!)

And, my! Progress! My Mom isn´t lying in bed, no! Sitting on a chair - "what do you want here again? :-)"

And then... she bent over in pain.
I asked, are you in pain? - Yes.
Why?
Dunno.
Did you get meds?
No, they forgot.
Why don´t you ring them?
No.
Should I...
No!
...

"You like to suffer, huh?!!!!", I said!

And maybe she does, too?????
Maybe that pain is better than the pain she feels in her heart for my Dad leaving her, oh, my, thank you, Cancer!!!
And their marriage was a fiasko, too. Sorry to say.

But - hey, I am egoistic now!! what about me?!
We aren´t close, what am I supposed to do?

The coffee-guy, came - not a word.

Later the nurse came to take the blood-pressure. Now she let herself ask for the med. The nurse brought it.

And that was it.

There it was.

My Mom bending down in pain, the med on the table before her.
15 minutes.

They can be so long!!!

Life is short, huh?!

I´ve been there about 2 1/2 hours.
She was dissapointed when I wanted to go.

Hello. Business was always #1 and she was never ever that long with me in hospital!!
No I don´t count, but I do! Somehow!

What kind of perception does she have?!

Oh, and my bad, bad Brother!!! He doesn´t care about the house, the garden!! What a bad guy! He won´t be able to keep the business straight!!!

Hey, Mom, I told him all.

That bad, bad guy who was there 6 in the morning when your OP was due! That bad, bad guy who is always there for you, huh, yes, he is a true pain the a....!!!

Heck, I am so sick of being the garbage-bin!!!!

Ingo asked, do you want a breadroll?

I thought life is good between us again.

Nope.

"I recommend you get outta here, that´s cool."

Yes. My dream of us brushing teeth and making jokes was just that, a dream

Wonders, where are you??? Where are you, red roses?



Oh, yes, the original, Hilde Knef... solo. We danced to that... HEY!! I wanna be cool like that! Really, i do!



Keep your sorrows for yourself, world, will ya?!

There Is Storm In...

At 6 I was in the office in Wolfsburg and the morning turned into a sunny, calm day - apart from work, that is!

I was in such a hurry and quite didn´t see the change outside... it had gotten stormy!

On the way to Hannover my Polo was like a nutshell on high sea, it was awful.
Awful because not only of me and the car... all the "fishtailing" trucks, and on the way to Hannover there are many.
And then the crazy car-drivers!

As you maybe know here are many passages where you can go as fast as you like on the highways in Germany.
And many a fool did so - in that storm! Despite that there were storm-warnings on the radio all the time.

That wasn´t all the storm I was to get. I could´ve titled this post also:

Like A Restive Toddler

So, my Bro and me met. We tried to talk about our Mom´s future - with her (after only the two of us came up with ideas).
Immediately she claimed we´d be patronizing her. It was a pain in the a...
We tried to be reasonable, telling her it´s just suggestions, but she really behaved like a kid, even refused to eat and finally we left.

Sad, angry, weak.

Anyone with experience on this sector, anyone with tipps?
(she has to leave her apartment, there are two that suit her, one right above, the other where she wants to go anyways... it´s complicated, maybe because it´s too easy!)

My head aches, here I sit, outside the storm is still hauling, and in my head and heart, also.

Outta Here

Sitting here on the swing on a grey November afternoon my mind goes on old journeys.

Where to? Where did I have the opportunity to go to in my life so far?

Austria (III)
Switzerland (German Part) (III)
Mallorca (I)
Great Britain (II)
France (II)
Australia (III)
Cuba (II)
Isla Margerita (I)
Mexico (I)
Greece (I)
Spain (I)
Jamaica (I)
Egypt (I)
Denmark (I)
Germany - Dornumer Siel (?)
Germany - Tornesch (very often)
Germany - Norderstedt (too often)
Germany - Pinneberg (often)
Germany - Langeoog (I)
Germany - Sankt Peter Ording (I)
Germany - Bremerhaven (I)
Germany - Wilhelmshaven (II)
Germany - Hamburg (several times)
Germany - Köln - Cologne, as you know it - Brother-Time!! (II)
Germany - Düsseldorf (II)
Germany - Hannover (too often)
Germany - Hameln (I)
Germany - Bremen(II)
Germany - Frankfurt (often - gate to the world for me - all flights overseas start there)
... and some other places.

... like Berlin, Sarah - before the wall fell! :-)

Addendum!

Germany - Bielefeld!! Or, was I?! My company sent me there, despite the Conspiracy!! Maybe.. I am just one of them!!!
Germany - Stuttgart (another place my company sent me to... that I forgot the places doesn´t mean I forgot what I was there for, though!!)

Seems like I need to get away often, huh?

Today my Hometown will be on TV - as a setting for a crime thriller. Makes me feel proud. Maybe I´m a homey-person as well?

There will be grief and pain is the title.

Maybe very me?

In case you wonder why a Pizza-Lover like me hadn´t been in Italy yet?
I do, too.

My very, very best hairbrush is from Greece, btw. From the hotel, if I remember right. Over 10 years old.

Yes. I am spoiled. But I always traveled low budget! Lived in the car and such. Cold (free) showers. Too cold showers! Uhhhh :-)

What a sad, sad day today is. Living out of memory is no real fun. Not when you do it alone.

Mr. Bad Guy

I´m not kidding! This rainbow is what I saw, together with a flock of birds, when driving home from Hannover today. Just whilst listen to Freddie:

Let's go chasing rainbows in the sky
It's my invitation
Let's all take a trip on my ecstasy
I'm Mr. Bad Guy
Yes I'm everybody's Mr. Bad Guy
Can't you see I'm Mr. Mercury
Oh, spread your wings and fly away with me.

Isn´t that too weird?

And I feel like Mr. Bad Guy, too.
I called my Bro on the phone today to learn if he goes to visit our Mom or not and he said I´m too hectical and I always wanna plan things and that´s bad. I´m not to think about what to talk about with our Mom but be "natural".

Natural... it´s just not "natural" to be alone with our Mom. Pathetic, I know.

Yet! I was there for three hours and apart from some weird moments it was really nearly "natural".

How is she? Well, the nurse told me she collapsed today when she was in for x-ray. But, she added, that´s no surprise and I´m not to worry. She´s in a lot of pain when coughing but she think´s she´ll be outta there by the end of next week.

There were times when she rolled her eyes about me. She thought I didn´t see, but I did. Mr. Bad Guy, I got a lot of my Father´s Genes.

Family is a tough thing for me. But I´ll learn.

The way back home was just a beautiful sight! I know it´s not a great pic, but, hey, I was on the Highway. And sadly the cam dropped dead after this pic - behind me were the most beautiful colors and shades of orange! Beautiful nature!

Our Karl

This is Karl Dall, a German comedian and television presenter.

When my Bro and me met in Hannover today, we were kinda greeted by him, in intensive care.

Haha, no really, there she was, all small and tiny, and anyone who´s had a general anaesthetic knows how groggy you are after that.

Still she was glad to see her children. She forced one eye wide open quickly, but the other was some work, so... Karl Dall!

I laughed my head off finding out they´re really born the same year, too!

There had been some blood leaking out of one of the many canula and hence my Bro gave her the name:

Karl Dall, the phase-out model :-)

She raised her finger, but with a relieved grin.

Maybe tomorrow she´ll already go back to normal care!
We sat down for ages, Bro and me, speaking bout how to manage her and our future. How to help come over depression and lethargy, the move... there is so much to do and somehow I do believe we needed this shock to finally get going!

Positive Thinking!

Yesterday I was full of sorrow and thought, oh, great, I´ll never find a place for the darn car!
Took me 20 minutes cruising through the streets, in the rain and then a 10-minutes walk!
Today: "My" spot was free. I came, saw, parked! :-)

Traffic round Hannover is a pain, though! Too, too much!

The Big Day

So then there we go.
Went over on Sat, it was odd. We went into a Café and tried to act normal.

All the time my Bro and me were in intense E-Mai-Contact. Started rather with accusations but over time we both sat down, each on his side, reflecting what family means to us, how we became the persons we are.

Luckily I have a friend who is very good in giving new points of a view and with her help, too, I was able to reflect.
That was very good, very helpful and many a subject that was hurting us as Brother and Sister for years is now discussed, understood and forgiven.
We needed to sit down and think, obviously.

Learn that children who grew up in the same family can be totally different and that this must not at all mean they cannot be there for one another.

Our relationship has improved.

We met in Hannover, in Hospital today - tomorrow is the Big Day.

It´s a small Hospital, specialized on our Mom´s needs.
She has a room just for herself, with toilet and shower, a TV and you quickly learn she is first class Patient when it comes to the doctors.

They came in, explained and reassured.

We have big hopes it can turn out good.

A general anaesthetic is never easy, and certainly not when you´re nearly 70 and sick. Weak.

Our Mother seemed to be confident with it all. Certainly, she is afraid, as we are.

Please keep good thoughts up we see her again... Healthy!!! A person with life-quality. Oh, I am so afraid...

Brekkie Time

Or actually Brunch-Time. I already had the first bite,



... when I thought, hmmm, do people everywhere eat this?

I only learned that from Ingo. After you skip the thought of eating raw meat, it´s quite yummy.

Do you?