A Sad Résumé

Pic: 1995
My Dad died of Cancer before I started blogging, in 2002.

I don´t even know if it´s healthy to keep memories like these.
But I feel the need to.

Dad: We didn´t get along well, we were too much alike.
When Bro told me Dad´ll only have days or weeks and gave me his car so I can visit...

It was as if someone had a huge hammer letting fall down on my head, or rather: As if I was wrapped up in tons of cotton.
I didn´t hear well, I didn´t see well - go figure! I drove Braunschweig-Wolfsburg, 30 km, then Wolfsburg - Göttingen - 140 km and back to Braunschweig another 110 km every second day.
With little sight!
It was merely about two weeks.

He was on morphine from the beginning of my visits. Hardly knew what´s going on.
Sometimes giving me a smile - did he recognize me?
Sometimes definitively knowing it´s (weaker) me "driving"/leading his wheelchair downhill, looking in fear at me.
Thanks, Dad - we knew what we were doing.

I still feel like puking.

The funeral.
Ingo was guiding me, holding me.
A "man" standing at the end of that "road". Ingo said: "Hey - you must be M.! Hello!"

It was Cousin M.

I´d told Ingo about him - he never ever saw a pic of him - and M´d gotten so much older, visually - even I had difficulties to recognize him. Ingo did - just from what I´d told.
Weird.

Mum had picked mini-sunflowers that covered the coffin.
Bro was one of the guys carrying the coffin whilst I nearly fell down unconscious when walking to the grave.

---

And now... We have to go the same route again, only eight years after.

It´s all different though.
No feeling of being wrapped up in cotton - it´s all so darn clear. Me, and Mum.

For the time being she even seems to get better.
Breathing is easier for her, meds are working.

I got 3 days off, so I only go Braunschweig (not Wolfsburg, which would/will add another 70 km) - Seesen - Hannover (- today Seesen again) - Braunschweig.
We visit her every day, take care we join the meetups with docs and prepare everything for in case she can get home inbetween (a lot of work).

She´ll get no chemotherapy but they only try radiation therapy - with 37 kg only this is all they can do.
On Monday they start.
Head and back only - the tumor in her liver... it´s nearly 5 cm and there is nothing they can do.
4 times a week, 10 doses all in all.

I have high hopes atm - Bro is more realistic.
At least that darn cancer doesn´t squeeze her brain - as long as no morphine is involved, she´ll stay alert and herself.