Sad Frustration

This is exactly how I feel atm. I´m in a sandy desert in desperate need of water.

Not only is my Mum dying.
Ingo is very sick, too.

I was allowed to take 3 days off last week, Tue to Thur.
Monday we went into the city, despite the bad news concerning my Mum.

Tue then I went to Bro and Mum and when I came home... I found Ingo in pain on the sofa.
This was what I found every evening since then.
This happens from time to time, usually after a while Ingo gets better.

Not this time!
At first Ingo was optimistic - today was supposed to be (and is) a hot and sunny day.
He invited his parents over for the bike-tour we wanted to take this whole "summer".
Tonight he got up several times to take pain-killers and this morning he called his Mum to cancel the tour.
Oh, certainly... it´s the first weekend in September - time for the traditional Magnifest.

I am in fear for Ingo.
And I am so angry, too.
Went groceries-shopping, saw all the guys packing up their bikes, laughing, having fun.

Whilst I see my Mum dying and fear the future with Ingo.

Whilst Bro can come home to his wife and get some hugs to stay sane, I have no one to lean on to but the damn fear.

Let me tell you what just happened. Ingo got up.
"I had bought some stuff to make tea, where is that?"

I search the first place, find it in the second, bend down to get the water boiler and place it where I always do.

"Why do you put it here???!!! Put it over there, there is more space!!!"

Wonder where the strenghs came from to be that mad at me...

I get the heavy bowl to pestle the caraway - and I´m certainly not doing it well enough.

"Am I supposed to do the heavy work???! Aww, just.go.away!"

I wanna scream and run away, I feel so hurt!

As if I knew what pain is.

YES, I KNOW THAT! I had terrible pain in my arm for half a year, no one believed me and in the end they had to replace a part of my bone in my arm with a bit from the hip-bone. My arm-bone rotted away in me - that was pain.

I understand he is in pain.
But I am, too.

It.hurts. to see first your Father then your Mother being eaten up by Cancer.
It hurts to be left alone with that.

Life is not fair, again. I am tired, exhausted.
Really, can I runaway from it all?

The darn sand in that pic above is the sickness all around me. The water this man is looking for is a hug, some kind words I´m longing for.
Again, I feel left alone with my fear, with my hurting.
I don´t wish anyone anything bad - but... maybe things would be different if it wouldn´t only be me experienting sickness all around and being the "healthy" one in the middle.