Wishful Thinking

... or there is maybe just no escape?

When Rodney documented about his Ride For Cancer I couldn´t say a thing.
I only thought I´d used the word "against", not "for".
(yes, I know it´s for the awareness of cancer. But if the word awareness is missing, you get the wrong information, no?)

Pessimistic person I am.

I just can´t believe that it might come to me anyways again.

My Mom will get lung-surgery next week on Wednesday.
The doctor thinks it´s likely to be it.

Oh, come on, both parents?!

It´s so darn hard to keep positive thoughts up. Right now I just have a headache.
My Mom was so "cool" on the phone with it, I think she´s just as bad an actor/masquerader as I am.


Not even 1,60m and weighing way too less. It´s high-risk I think.

One and a half week of doing nothing but hoping, thinking, wishing, it drives one nuts.

Yes, she was a heavy smoker. She quit 4 weeks ago only. Yes, she forced it to be like this.
She still works, aged 67.
She worked very, very hard after my Dad died of Cancer and my Bro still studied.
Just for maybe that? For a way... I cannot even think about.

Maybe a long way full of... you know...
And I think you maybe do know. Too many know first or second hand.

Dunno. For myself I wish an instant death.
Can happen every day with driving to work. Maybe I shouldn´t wish too much for that.
But you know what I mean.
No machines, no loss of self-control concerning the most private things in life... life, if you can call it like that.

Heck, I don´t wanna see my Mom that way, too!!!!!!

I try hard to keep good thoughts up, really, really I do.
Is there a tipp, an advice what to do?
I do believe that positive thought affect your body. I do believe they helped me keep the function of my hand back then.
That somehow it worked for me, or rather for my body (and me).

But This C-word is just so scary. So mighty. It can destroy your world just like that - after you waited for a seemingly endless period of time.

And it´s so slow and oh-so-cruel at doing so.

I try to see a light...