I hope when I die it goes very fast.
We call it "Sterbebegleitung" - leading someone to death. Germans, huh, always straight. We lead.
Now here I sit and cry.
I miss her, my Mum. Also Dad.
I still see her, Mum, so small, asking me if it is over now?
Not once, many times.
With Dad it was different. I saw scenes I wasn´t supposed to so see.
Different hospitals, long ago, time makes it better, too, but it all comes back now.
It.All.Comes.Back.
Have you ever looked in your parent´s eye, thinking, ok. Soon? Soon you will not suffer anymore. And you will be gone. I can never - NEVER - again talk to you. I MISS YOU, MUM!
Sterbebegleitung - what´s with the living?
Yes, I know.
Don´t ask.
Anyone with me???
It hurts, and I had no answer, either to the "when".
And it was my Mum (who should take care of me, I´m still thinking that stupid way).
I want to scream it out, I want to cry, yesterday we tried to forget by going to the Christmas Markets together - it was mostly nice, pics are to come - but it did not help.
Some people - sadly like the one I´m with - have no sense, no underständing, no experience with it.
They just don´t understand the stress you get, the hurt.
Yes. I´ve complained. A lot.
Cause.It.Is:Not.Easy - DO IT ONCE.
Talk to the doctors - if you find them!
Talk to your parent.
Eat - a wee bit.
Explain.
Go to another appointment ... Bro did a lot of research - again, as he did with Dad. It didn´t help - again.
We´re all helpless, the doctors and us.
Ok. The staff at Mum´s last place (this hurts to write) were very nice, really, very. They cared.
And when I didn´t manage with that stupid oxygen mask (...) and asked for help, the carer set it right and caressed the bold spots of my Mum´s head. He talked to me, tried to make it "bearable".
I wanted to thank those guys, got a big gummy-bear-pizza and when I came back - to the place I, Bro and little Niece were born and Mum had died (...) - the whole station had moved - two days! - construction work all over.
I never met them again, I could never say "Thank you".
I have huge difficulties to cope - any advise?
Muuuum!
4 comments:
I have not yet lost my parents. But this year a close friend died in October. I still cannot believe it - every time I see the photo of her I have in the kitchen, I have to remind myself she is really gone. I don't think trying to forget or trying to be brave works. I feel better when I embrace the sadness and let the feelings come without trying to push them back. Sadness is a part of the path we follow in life - allowing yourself to feel it means the good times are all the sweeter. I'm sorry if this does not help, but I am thinking of you. Redxx
It helps, Red, thank you, it helps to learn how others manage. Apart from my Brother no one of the people I´m in contact here in Germany have lost someone... Which is certainly good for them, but, well. xx
Oh Iris I feel bad that I'm only seeing this now. I hope that you're feeling a little better now.. it really hurts so much when you lose your parents and for such a long time you feel totally lost. Like Red I have a picture of my parents by the side of my bed and say 'good morning and good night to them each day. I think they will always be 'around' watching how our lives unfold.
Thank you, Grace, I´m better now. I miss them often but "the date" is especially awful. Nice to learn otheras share my Brother´s opinion of them being somehow still here, maybe you are right... Saying good morning/good night is a sweet idea, too!
Post a Comment