I´m a woman. But I will never be a Mommy.
Three days ago my Mom - I don´t know how we met the subject - told me on the phone I´d said at age 14 I´ll never have kids. I thought I was 17.
I was 14 when my Dad asked me if I wanna have his shop! The "shop" meant: jeweler, optometrist, watchmaker and hearing aids. Not a small one, huh?
I grew up missing my parents there, so NO, I said, let me sleep over it (yips, clever at age 14, though first thought was NO) and then next day I said, no, thank you. My Bro has it now.
Now. Oh so often I wonder if I made the worst decision in my whole life, having no kids. I´m too old now, getting to year 37 tomorrow.
And my Mom said, I´d never be able to handle a baby. Anyway. ANYWAY!
And that hurts, how can she know, you always grow with the stuff you get, no?
I don´t know why this hurts (and it hurts so much!) - or why I really put this online. Maybe to remember. To the Child I never have. I could have handled! I could have hold you properly, there would have been no reason to be afraid! Maybe I would have been too careful, but I bet I´d let go with time and let you be... whatever. This was not meant to be.
I feel sorry for friends of Ingo who so very much wanted children and biologically failed. They don´t have enough money to adopt a child. And here I am, selfishly throwing all the chances away.
Maybe one of us failed biologically, too? I´ll never know.
I wonder why my Mom´s words did - do - hurt so much, even three days after she said them.
10 comments:
I was never interested in having kids. I'd never liked other peoples kids (I still don't like most other peoples kids), I had never changed a nappy in my life and the only baby sitting I had done was for children aged 7 and up, I was worried when I got pregnant that I was going to be a bad Mum. That I wouldn't like being a Mother.
I think it's impossible to know what you'd be like without actively doing it yourself.
If my Mother had ever said that to me I would have been mighty upset too. If you want someone to talk to, I'm here.
*big hugs*
I think Cazaroonie is right...it's impossible to know what kind of mum you'd be until you are one. I often think that if I had kids, I'd be a bad mum but I may end up surprising myself...who knows but I would have been hurt too if my mum had said that to me.
My cousin (who is married) swore she'd never have kids but then she unexpectedly got pregnant at age 40. She loves being a mum so much she's just had her second at age 43. Life sure is surprising sometimes.
I thank you both!
Hmmm. Seems I still can take time to rethink?
You definately still have some time to rethink, and it really sounds that you are maybe regretting the decision you once made.
I turned 37 just after Boo was born. I also know lots of people having their first child in their late 30's / early 40's... so you definately do have time.
As Cazaroonie and Sarah said, until you have your own child there is no way of knowing what sort of parent you will be, and it's usually those that doubt themselves make very good parents.
What are Ingo's thoughts on parenthood?
Ingo wanted children. But we lived in different places for so long, so I kept saying no and maybe no like it´s not my thing in general.
He´s a bit older than me. And has accepted the idea of not having kids.
Ack. It´s all so complicated!
Iris - first and foremost remember, you are exactly where you're supposed to be. My mum always tells me that. If you were SUPPOSED to have a child right now, you would. That being said, if you want one ... get busy knocking some boots and make a baby girl!! If no baby comes, then it was not meant. If you check with an adoption agency and they have a child for you ... perhaps THAT was your role you are supposed to play. I don't know. I do know this - you and Ingo love each other. And - it is NOT too late to have a baby. I was 32 when I had my daughter. I won't kid you - it was VERY hard at first. She never slept the whole first year, and I worked full time ... like a zombie. But Iris - I wouldn't trade it for anything. She's the best thing that happened to me - well, next to Karl. Well ... they're even I guess!!
So - after having one, I wanted 2 ... thinking one child is so lonely. But, in the 11 years since I've never been pregnant again. (hope NOW I didn't just jinx myself!) So - I believe I was meant to have one child and dote on her.
If you want it - go for it!!
Oh - and I should say - mothers say STUPID stuff, alot. I'm sure if she knew how hurtful her words were she'd do her best to take them back. On the other hand, words can hurt only if we allow them. I believe you'd be a good mom - and now that you're older, you'll have more patience, etc. Young mothers lack patience - and you need ALOT of patience.
Thank you, Wendy!
That´s what my Mom says always, too: Young mothers lack patience. But!!! I have totally my father´s genes: The older I get the less patience I have!
Aw, and that´s the problem: I don´t know what I want! I´m full of doubts...
And it´s not a decision to make lighthearted, cuz... once there you can´t giv 'em back!
I think if I really still have time, then time will tell what to do... I hope!
Been to a children's b'day party on Sunday, the mum was 42 and 44 when the bubbies were born.
It's your life and your life only, if you want to change it you still have time, maybe it was more of "I wasn't ready yet" but you start to feel ready now?
Kids can enrich your life but again, your life will be the same as it is now too, you don't "loose out" on life apart from saying I raised one or two.
It is hard work, somedays very hard!
It will give you the highest of highs and lowest of lows, mine does.
Happy Happy birtday my dear friend, sorry I've missed it!!!
My 37th is coming soon too.
Thnak you Java - also for being on the hard-work-part!
;-) Soon? Aren´t we coming to an age where soon is not that positive anymore about B-Days? ;-)
Post a Comment