or... "Stop And Repeat".
When I grew up all that was most important was my parent´s family business.
At the table - be it lunch or dinner - it was never "how was it at kindy/school?" it was always about customers, trainees etc. Business.
When they had finished and IF there was still time they did ask us. Yes.
When I was gone studying they suddenly realised and when I came for visits... well. It was kinda too late.
Why share my adult life, I can handle that myself - I always did after all (yes, I was thankful for their "I´m-sorry-money").
And I just fell back into this trap yet again.
Ingo had to work for two the last six weeks since his co-worker was on holidays.
Instead of saying "no" to all those who came by and said, "can you quickly fix this or that"... he did.
He fell asleep by 7pm, never did any walks or such and I am faaaar at the end of interest.
Maybe this is also why I take a big time out - as many people advised me to do so anyways.
Which he cannot understand - or! - wishes he had the "courage" to do so as well.
I had had to do so many awful things (like taking terminal care of both my parents, his severe sickness etc) that he never had to experience, he has no idea.
This takes a lot of strengh, this can rip your heart apart. But I did it. And kept on working as usual. Always. In advance etc.
But now again.
It´s like being a kid again.
He is sick and tired, I (or anyone else) cannot do anything right.
And that I am sick and tired of.
No understanding for my ever swooshing ear.
For my fears of returning back to work.
I´d LOVE to turn back to work.
Just.
WHAT kind of work?
I´m a graded engineer (Dipl.-Ing. - maybe you know that signature? - which does not exist anymore thanks to Angela Merkel - oh, she did so much damage to this country...) Blablabla.
I cannot sell myself, I am shy, I get nervous, I cannot remember faces nor names if in plural - it´s a horror-story written in advance before it even happens.
And that ear so does not help - I sometimes do not understand - not cause I´m dumb... And people do not expect a hearing problem from a person my age.
My life is like a bad carousel (I DO know things could be way worse. But... It´s bad the way it is for me right now).
Guess I´m just writing my fuss out and no one is following anyways and this is good.
I was SO looking forward to fish fingers.
After three days of plain rice and plain water (sounds like nothing, huh, go for it) I had a thin slice of bread with salami and cheese and scrambled eggs on top for brunch.
I wasn´t even hungry for dinner.
So that "fight" over fishfingers...
Useless and sad.
In the end he put some on my plate - they were cold and likely icky when I saw.
I am sick and tired of work coming first when so often I had to take care of people´s lifes when they were about to end.
We have but ONE life, why give it to work that is not appreciated.
Why not say NO at work when it´s too much - if he got appreciation, more money, anything... nothing!
Hope no one reads along. If so I´d like to know: Have you been in this trap, too, and if so, on which side? What did you do?
I could happily "retire" - this is Germany - or could I?
If you have nothing you get taken care of (too, way too many take advantage of this).
Sadly I have something, soon...they take it away from you, so... I´d like to just run off.
Those are my negative thoughts on work.
Let´s face it.
I´m, "old", have "no valid reputation" - I´d like to hide in a cave and there is no such thing as in good and bad times, I´m by myself.
I know.
Things will eventually turn better.
But right now it crushes me and I think maybe I can tell a doc I am depressed and I would not even lie.
I am disappointed for sure.
And.. well. This is my blog.
When my life gets too overwhelming and I don´t wanna alarm the persons here (who do not read anything in English) this is my escape, so bare with me...
I´ll be OK.
Addendum! Ingo did fix the microwave I broke, my internet communication that broke by itself (how are the chances on one weekend). But he is not there for me.
It´s always only work, "never" the heart.
6 comments:
I'm reading and I care. And I understand. I've been the one in the work trap where you go-go-go and seem to get so little in return. Although for many years I loved my work, the last two years were terrible and in the end I got very, very ill and retired. Interestingly enough, after I did that, I got well and haven't really been sick in the same way since. Five years. There is much to be said about how work can affect both one's health and one's interpersonal relationships. It can make us crabby and tired. Fortunately, even though Rick and I were/are together, we live in separate houses so that really helped. It made our time together OUR time. He's gone through similar periods, too. So maybe we both "get it." But much better since I'm not working.
In terms of the interviewing and your hearing, I'd go in there and say straight off, "I have some hearing difficulties and if I ask you to repeat something, it's not because I'm not paying attention. I just want it to be clear. It shouldn't affect my work or my skills and doesn't, but sometimes people aren't aware, so I wanted to be sure you were before we talked. If they find that a barrier, then you don't want to work for them. And as one who has interviewed many people, I would appreciate that honesty and also the head's up that I might have to ask a question again.
Does Ingo read your blog? I hope so, in a way, because he should know how his work is affecting your relationship.
I think Jeanie is quite correct in her advice. I would only add that therapy would be a good idea as well. I live with depression and see a therapist every few weeks. I'm a lot better than I was when it was at its worst, and a therapist knows how to ask the right questions as they're needed.
I have had some of the same experiences as you. From when I was 40 over a period of 10 years I lost both my parents, my parents in-law, my sister, my brother-in-law and best friend. I thought the burden of caring and grieving would never end but it. After time off to deal with all the details I went back to work and settled into a routine which helped.
Now getting back to work after a setback. I was retrenched from a dream job when I was in my mid 50s. It just wasn’t possible to get a similar job and I felt old and out of touch because so much of what I did previously was based on company knowlege and not transferable. After a year off (and when the money was running out) I took whatever I could. After a year or so in that job I managed to get it shaped more to my satisfaction and I stayed 11 years and enjoyed it. I would never have believed it in the beginning.
And a word of caution when things were not happy at home i spent more time at work which made things unhappier at home ( I have seen others do this too) We eventually turned things around.
Life is good you just have to live through its ups and downs to enjoy it fully.
First of all: I thank you so much for your kind and honest words, for ... I thank you.
Jeanie.
Oh, no. I could not live in a seperate place. We did this for over 10 years and it was not good for us. Though you are right! The time spent together was special indeed and I don´t know if Ingo also reads the comments but I will ask him to do so this time.
Thank you, too, for the tip for the interview, actually it sounds logical :-)
William, I do see a therapist, I think you mean Ingo should see one, too?
Yes, she helps me a lot, too...
Joan Elizabeth... so... maybe it´s just right I take a time off to deal with it all, even though it´s a little delayed...
And I´ll try to be open about a whole new job.
I do want to enjoy life and I thank you all for helping me!
Was interesting to read above comments.. you see, when you think no one is listening out there, they really are, and caring too. I agree with above and would add my input by saying the only way I find to manage things is communication, good communication is essential. If you think your feelings aren't being heard, keep trying until you have a breakthrough. It will happen. Meanwhile, big Perth hugs coming your way xox
Yes, Gracce. I never ever thought someone would read along yet even give a thought or even word, I am thankful!
I am looking forward to visit Perth! And I do very much hope to be able to leave dark thoughts here (or in hell altogether). xox
Post a Comment