Life isn´t all smooth. That´s the ugly truth. And so I just screamed.
Why do I put that online??? So I can remember? Do I want to remember?
So many things add to the list.
My family does not care about me. Yes, that is true.
If I call my Mom, she talks to me. But she does not call me. When I send an e-mail to my Brother, he is likely to answer. But he never e-mails me lately.
They will come when they need my help. And only then. Oh, I´m not fair? They aren´t either.
Tell them? Can you force people to love you? See...
I just didn´t know how much it hurt me. Now I realise it does. It hurts very much. Ego is in there, too.
Ingo. Sick for a long time, now searching for a job endlessly. These are hard-times, I know. We even talk of recession here.
It´s him. But it makes me feel bad, too.
My job. Well. Let´s talk of recession! Since early February I am alone, my colleague had to go, the customer can´t afford two people anymore. There were times we worked with three people on the project!
We slimed the package down. But still. Heaps and heaps of work, no room for creativity.
As my colleague said, "when you have the job alone cause the other is on holiday, that´s ok. You know after three weeks the other will be back".
Will she be back? Unlikely. Stupefying, that´s what my job now is.
Oh, yes, I know!!! I should be glad I have that job! And I am, too. But...
We went on further training, which was great. But without my colleague I cannot use the new stuff! All I can do is work with it at home, after work. Yeah I am motivated to do that.
The one who did a huge damage to me, he will take part of my job when I´m not there. He did once so far and certainly did a bad job. I didn´t say anything. But it´s sad.
Other than sad: Will he do some damage again? On purpose? So far it´s been only two days. Can you imagine I´m not keen on taking a holiday, knowing he will do some parts of my job then?
I need a holiday. A time-out.
Money, huh? Recession, yes? My boss talked of the company´s future last Friday at our quarter-meeting. He talked about the possibilty of short-time work. He said, hmmm, let´s say you earn $$$ - one or another has to set that up, certainly...
I thought, WTH. Just WTH. WTF!!! I get little money. It´s not (only) the money. I work hard, I do my best every day. And I get little money because... I am a woman. I
could get pregnant, start a family. Hello. Am 37. And even if so!!!
Starting a family, is that such a bad thing? Now I could brag a whole lot about what kind of people have children here in Germany. But I won´t.
You should think only in some significant countries women still get less money for... being a woman. Well. Germany is one of those. I feel unmotivated. Feels like, "ok!!! Then I do a job that´s worth the money!". But then. I don´t wanna conk out.
Well. Ingo does not talk to me anymore. As said, I screamed, he locked me out, it was real bad.
Maybe he is right not talking to me.
Maybe not so. Maybe if one needs a friend, a friend should be "granted", but what in life is granted, nothing.
I´d be there for him. But that´s something else.
I feel bad. Alone. Like it´s all not worth anymore.
But, as our Chancellor said: We (in Germany) aren´t off too bad. After all there is not a war running here.
Not yet, that is.
Well. Ingo gave me time to "think". 4 weeks. Four weeks. I feel like jumping outta the window. But I´d only break a leg or so, sitting here in second floor.
I can´t stop writing it seems. As if this would be a sort of "healing". Letting it all out. A silent scream. As if someone might answer and tell me, hey, it´s just a phase. It will be over in no time, everything will turn out just fine.
This was a huge bad one, but you learned something.
Yeah, but what? That it´s a bad idea to let so many bad things happen and not do anything about it? But what could I do about it?
Yes. I could call my family and say TALK TO ME. DON´T THROW ME OUT OF YOUR LIFES.
I could say, you make me sick. You make me so sick that my heart hurts and I start fighting with my partner.
Oh yeah. They´d say, no, we do care.
They wanted to come over for my birthday.
That was in January. It´s a drive of 60km one way.
Seems I´m just not that high on their lists.
They could also tell me, hey, ya know. We just don´t care enough.
Meanwhile Ingo came in. What´s wrong with me. I told of that thing that hurts me most: My family.
He left. I don´t make sense, he said.
That hurts even more.
Good thing about endless posts: No one ever reads through. I´m on my own, literally.
I know things could be worse. I could be sick. I am thankful for being healthy. I don´t take it for granted with being a lot like my Father and having lost him to cancer.
I could loose my job or loose a person I love. I know actually everything is fine. A little stress, that´s all, right?
Right? Then why does it hurt so much. Ingo would be the only person I could talk to really freely about my feelings.
Also my Brother but he has other stuff on his mind. I also have a friend who might actually come up with solutions! But do I need solutions? Maybe I just need an ear and a big, long hug. Some "I read ya".
I know. I should take a time off. Not care that Ingo cannot join me (he needs to stay here, other they stop the money coming!). Not care about that "colleague" or my work. I can´t control the stuff when I´m not there. Point. End of discussion. And you always can check who worked as the last person on a document.
Yeah, that would be a true fine holiday. Alone. Someplace. Gah. Not an option. Take a holiday and stay home? Gah. I know I´d work. The said training, put it into something practical to not loose it. Maybe not such a bad idea after all? With the job being so tough now I really just can´t force myself to work after work.
Haha, though I´m all alone here, here is something to remember, something actually funny! Or, is it? There is the german saying... do you take a rope or a cord to
hang yourself?
Anyways, the German word is "Strick". And you all pull at the same string "Strang" to achieve a goal, right? Well, on the company meeting one of the business managers interchanged those words. So, instead of suggesting we go through this crisis successfully by pulling the same string together, he suggested we hang ourselves!
Haha, now I feel like that. Seems like I´m really done.
