Gah, me again. I see, think of someone, it fits, I buy. Just to discover... I have more than needed for that person - or rather her Advent Calendar...
Gosh, time runs! X-Mas is on it´s way! Tomorrow we "exchange" just yet again. For the seventh time. My friend started this for me the year my Dad had passed away, to make this dark time of the year a bit easier. And we keep this "tradition".
My family doesn´t want to anymore, I´m fine with that - it takes ages for me to wrap everything up!!!
Pressie from me to me, that finally arrived via mail from China:
Ingo thinks it´s kitsch. I love it.
My Mom will go home tomorrow - Rehab has to wait, all places are taken.
Sometimes you freak out. Life doesn´t give you what you want - though, compared to others, you life is wonderful, great and oh-so-easy. But to you? Grey, wrong and exhausting.
It´s just a matter of the right point of view, no?
Do I have a point here?
I dunno.
I freaked out. I couldn´t carry all that what was meant to be for me. I made myself ugly, or rather ugliest.
And now, I pay for it.
And I feel life is unfair.
Just what was that yesterday????? What was that for? I drove to Hannover, to the Hospital (did I mention? That smell... too often I had to smell it, it is typical for suffering, for death, ohhhh yips, I am theatrical today!!!)
And, my! Progress! My Mom isn´t lying in bed, no! Sitting on a chair - "what do you want here again? :-)"
And then... she bent over in pain. I asked, are you in pain? - Yes. Why? Dunno. Did you get meds? No, they forgot. Why don´t you ring them? No. Should I... No! ...
"You like to suffer, huh?!!!!", I said!
And maybe she does, too????? Maybe that pain is better than the pain she feels in her heart for my Dad leaving her, oh, my, thank you, Cancer!!! And their marriage was a fiasko, too. Sorry to say.
But - hey, I am egoistic now!! what about me?! We aren´t close, what am I supposed to do?
The coffee-guy, came - not a word.
Later the nurse came to take the blood-pressure. Now she let herself ask for the med. The nurse brought it.
And that was it.
There it was.
My Mom bending down in pain, the med on the table before her. 15 minutes.
They can be so long!!!
Life is short, huh?!
I´ve been there about 2 1/2 hours. She was dissapointed when I wanted to go.
Hello. Business was always #1 and she was never ever that long with me in hospital!! No I don´t count, but I do! Somehow!
What kind of perception does she have?!
Oh, and my bad, bad Brother!!! He doesn´t care about the house, the garden!! What a bad guy! He won´t be able to keep the business straight!!!
Hey, Mom, I told him all.
That bad, bad guy who was there 6 in the morning when your OP was due! That bad, bad guy who is always there for you, huh, yes, he is a true pain the a....!!!
Heck, I am so sick of being the garbage-bin!!!!
Ingo asked, do you want a breadroll?
I thought life is good between us again.
Nope.
"I recommend you get outta here, that´s cool."
Yes. My dream of us brushing teeth and making jokes was just that, a dream
Wonders, where are you??? Where are you, red roses?
Oh, yes, the original, Hilde Knef... solo. We danced to that... HEY!! I wanna be cool like that! Really, i do!
At 6 I was in the office in Wolfsburg and the morning turned into a sunny, calm day - apart from work, that is!
I was in such a hurry and quite didn´t see the change outside... it had gotten stormy!
On the way to Hannover my Polo was like a nutshell on high sea, it was awful. Awful because not only of me and the car... all the "fishtailing" trucks, and on the way to Hannover there are many. And then the crazy car-drivers!
As you maybe know here are many passages where you can go as fast as you like on the highways in Germany. And many a fool did so - in that storm! Despite that there were storm-warnings on the radio all the time.
That wasn´t all the storm I was to get. I could´ve titled this post also:
Like A Restive Toddler
So, my Bro and me met. We tried to talk about our Mom´s future - with her (after only the two of us came up with ideas). Immediately she claimed we´d be patronizing her. It was a pain in the a... We tried to be reasonable, telling her it´s just suggestions, but she really behaved like a kid, even refused to eat and finally we left.
Sad, angry, weak.
Anyone with experience on this sector, anyone with tipps? (she has to leave her apartment, there are two that suit her, one right above, the other where she wants to go anyways... it´s complicated, maybe because it´s too easy!)
My head aches, here I sit, outside the storm is still hauling, and in my head and heart, also.
Sitting here on the swing on a grey November afternoon my mind goes on old journeys.
Where to? Where did I have the opportunity to go to in my life so far?
Austria (III) Switzerland (German Part) (III) Mallorca (I) Great Britain (II) France (II) Australia (III) Cuba (II) Isla Margerita (I) Mexico (I) Greece (I) Spain (I) Jamaica (I) Egypt (I) Denmark (I) Germany - Dornumer Siel (?) Germany - Tornesch (very often) Germany - Norderstedt (too often) Germany - Pinneberg (often) Germany - Langeoog (I) Germany - Sankt Peter Ording (I) Germany - Bremerhaven (I) Germany - Wilhelmshaven (II) Germany - Hamburg (several times) Germany - Köln - Cologne, as you know it - Brother-Time!! (II) Germany - Düsseldorf (II) Germany - Hannover (too often) Germany - Hameln (I) Germany - Bremen(II) Germany - Frankfurt (often - gate to the world for me - all flights overseas start there) ... and some other places.
... like Berlin, Sarah - before the wall fell! :-)
Addendum!
Germany - Bielefeld!! Or, was I?! My company sent me there, despite the Conspiracy!! Maybe.. I am just one of them!!! Germany - Stuttgart (another place my company sent me to... that I forgot the places doesn´t mean I forgot what I was there for, though!!)
Seems like I need to get away often, huh?
Today my Hometown will be on TV - as a setting for a crime thriller. Makes me feel proud. Maybe I´m a homey-person as well?
There will be grief and pain is the title.
Maybe very me?
In case you wonder why a Pizza-Lover like me hadn´t been in Italy yet? I do, too.
My very, very best hairbrush is from Greece, btw. From the hotel, if I remember right. Over 10 years old.
Yes. I am spoiled. But I always traveled low budget! Lived in the car and such. Cold (free) showers. Too cold showers! Uhhhh :-)
What a sad, sad day today is. Living out of memory is no real fun. Not when you do it alone.
I´m not kidding! This rainbow is what I saw, together with a flock of birds, when driving home from Hannover today. Just whilst listen to Freddie:
Let's go chasing rainbows in the sky It's my invitation Let's all take a trip on my ecstasy I'm Mr. Bad Guy Yes I'm everybody's Mr. Bad Guy Can't you see I'm Mr. Mercury Oh, spread your wings and fly away with me.
Isn´t that too weird?
And I feel like Mr. Bad Guy, too. I called my Bro on the phone today to learn if he goes to visit our Mom or not and he said I´m too hectical and I always wanna plan things and that´s bad. I´m not to think about what to talk about with our Mom but be "natural".
Natural... it´s just not "natural" to be alone with our Mom. Pathetic, I know.
Yet! I was there for three hours and apart from some weird moments it was really nearly "natural".
How is she? Well, the nurse told me she collapsed today when she was in for x-ray. But, she added, that´s no surprise and I´m not to worry. She´s in a lot of pain when coughing but she think´s she´ll be outta there by the end of next week.
There were times when she rolled her eyes about me. She thought I didn´t see, but I did. Mr. Bad Guy, I got a lot of my Father´s Genes.
Family is a tough thing for me. But I´ll learn.
The way back home was just a beautiful sight! I know it´s not a great pic, but, hey, I was on the Highway. And sadly the cam dropped dead after this pic - behind me were the most beautiful colors and shades of orange! Beautiful nature!
This is Karl Dall, a German comedian and television presenter.
When my Bro and me met in Hannover today, we were kinda greeted by him, in intensive care.
Haha, no really, there she was, all small and tiny, and anyone who´s had a general anaesthetic knows how groggy you are after that.
Still she was glad to see her children. She forced one eye wide open quickly, but the other was some work, so... Karl Dall!
I laughed my head off finding out they´re really born the same year, too!
There had been some blood leaking out of one of the many canula and hence my Bro gave her the name:
Karl Dall, the phase-out model :-)
She raised her finger, but with a relieved grin.
Maybe tomorrow she´ll already go back to normal care! We sat down for ages, Bro and me, speaking bout how to manage her and our future. How to help come over depression and lethargy, the move... there is so much to do and somehow I do believe we needed this shock to finally get going!
Positive Thinking!
Yesterday I was full of sorrow and thought, oh, great, I´ll never find a place for the darn car! Took me 20 minutes cruising through the streets, in the rain and then a 10-minutes walk! Today: "My" spot was free. I came, saw, parked! :-)
Traffic round Hannover is a pain, though! Too, too much!
All the time my Bro and me were in intense E-Mai-Contact. Started rather with accusations but over time we both sat down, each on his side, reflecting what family means to us, how we became the persons we are.
Luckily I have a friend who is very good in giving new points of a view and with her help, too, I was able to reflect. That was very good, very helpful and many a subject that was hurting us as Brother and Sister for years is now discussed, understood and forgiven. We needed to sit down and think, obviously.
Learn that children who grew up in the same family can be totally different and that this must not at all mean they cannot be there for one another.
Our relationship has improved.
We met in Hannover, in Hospital today - tomorrow is the Big Day.
It´s a small Hospital, specialized on our Mom´s needs. She has a room just for herself, with toilet and shower, a TV and you quickly learn she is first class Patient when it comes to the doctors.
They came in, explained and reassured.
We have big hopes it can turn out good.
A general anaesthetic is never easy, and certainly not when you´re nearly 70 and sick. Weak.
Our Mother seemed to be confident with it all. Certainly, she is afraid, as we are.
Please keep good thoughts up we see her again... Healthy!!! A person with life-quality. Oh, I am so afraid...
When Rodney documented about his Ride For Cancer I couldn´t say a thing. I only thought I´d used the word "against", not "for". (yes, I know it´s for the awareness of cancer. But if the word awareness is missing, you get the wrong information, no?)
Pessimistic person I am.
I just can´t believe that it might come to me anyways again.
My Mom will get lung-surgery next week on Wednesday. The doctor thinks it´s likely to be it.
Oh, come on, both parents?!
It´s so darn hard to keep positive thoughts up. Right now I just have a headache. My Mom was so "cool" on the phone with it, I think she´s just as bad an actor/masquerader as I am.
Not even 1,60m and weighing way too less. It´s high-risk I think.
One and a half week of doing nothing but hoping, thinking, wishing, it drives one nuts.
Yes, she was a heavy smoker. She quit 4 weeks ago only. Yes, she forced it to be like this. She still works, aged 67. She worked very, very hard after my Dad died of Cancer and my Bro still studied. Just for maybe that? For a way... I cannot even think about.
Maybe a long way full of... you know... And I think you maybe do know. Too many know first or second hand.
Dunno. For myself I wish an instant death. Can happen every day with driving to work. Maybe I shouldn´t wish too much for that. But you know what I mean. No machines, no loss of self-control concerning the most private things in life... life, if you can call it like that.
Heck, I don´t wanna see my Mom that way, too!!!!!!
I try hard to keep good thoughts up, really, really I do. Is there a tipp, an advice what to do? I do believe that positive thought affect your body. I do believe they helped me keep the function of my hand back then. That somehow it worked for me, or rather for my body (and me).
But This C-word is just so scary. So mighty. It can destroy your world just like that - after you waited for a seemingly endless period of time.
