A Sunday Afternoon

Sunday, already.

Thanks everyone for stopping by and helping me!
You made me stronger, you made me smile when life was sucking at me.

And I guess it worked on Ingo and my Mum, too!

Ingo: The darn thing in his body was over 12 cm long!
They cannot operate, but punctured it quite successfully - we hope.

Mum... if she manages to gain weight, she can come back for chemo!

The pic above...
Well. Good as I am (...) I went to give my vote. For what´s or who´s leading my town.
Kinda weird to do this on this kinda special day, huh?

Good as I am... I brought in the Sunday paper in on my way back (it´s free) - and what did I find?
Yep!
Toooo-daaaay a new DVD was released: "Braunschweig - Die Löwenstadt" - city of the Lion ("die" is for "she", a city in German is female, don´t ask and no, we won´t die, Braunschweig really is strong).

So... I went to the city and amongst some stuff I had to treat myself with real "Pommes Frites", that´s the pic above.

Whilst eating I strolled by Graff, which is a great book-store, always new books on display outside for us eating, munching people.
And it works, too!

"Essen kommen" - what a cool book is that?!
Ingo is the Chef in da house, but, oh, well!

"At one we gonna eat" - this was so dang true!
My parents both were working full time and at 01:0...5 or 13:05 we ate. Always.

Memories... isn´t this book too cute?

"Pril"-Flowes, awww...

Receipes and memories, a great book:

This is my loot of the day:

All for Ingo, right? For the Braunschweig-DVD!

Two of the things made it to my desk:

What a day...
A rare Sunday with the Shops open - a very rare day with the temps over 30C!

I have to remember how the hot air was on my arms and legs. Hmmmm... no freezing.
So missed Ingo, though.

My bike...

I miss riding it...

Here´s a pic of my brekkie:

And the shadows the sun created in my kitchen:

And what did I find on the balcony?
The only sunflower Ingo wanted to throw away cause she was broken... I kept her - and she really is the only one who is blooming! No kidding!

The other ones will make it eventually, too - but she is the first!

Home

Hard To Say Good Bye

I will have to say Good-Bye to Ingo tonight.
Drive to work at 5:30 tomorrow.
At 08:00 his parents pick him up, bring him to his doc and then to Hamburg to a special clinic, some 200 km away in real bad traffic.

Whilst I´m typing I hear him suffer.
If he heard me cry, he´d get upset, so I keep quiet.

After work I´ll drive to Hannover to visit my Mum in hospital, then drive to an empty home.
Friends offered help.
But... it´s all too much.

Suddenly it´s really, really emergency-like. People tell me, nah, don´t worry, his weight is much better than back then and all.
I asked Ingo a hundred times to write down his last will.
Like I did, years ago, being totally healthy.

Each day we´re both on the highway...
He never did. He/his family own 70% of this apartment - we´re not married, but spouses for over 16 years... that might become a problem.
Tonight he asked to make a copy so he can write his last will down. He was too much in pain, though. Thanks for adding that kind of fear to my fear about your life, our life.

I will say Good-Bye.
I cannot hug Ingo, he´s too much in pain.
I´m in a different kind of pain.

I so-so-so hope people are right.
I so-so-so hope I can find ourselves together joking on a playground like in that pic above again soon.
And hug.
Be happy.
I feel so darn helpless.

Oh, dang. His Mum yahooed his Bro (doc) needs our number. How am I not to cry on the phone?!

---

Dang!
His Bro was so helpful! Explained as much as he could (data hasn´t arrived yet) - maybe it´s not that bad after all.
Dunno. He always talks to me as if we knew each other well.
He´s some months younger than me, we went to different groups in (the same) kindergarten, to diffenrent classes in school, yet... maybe he sees me as family?

I said Ingo can´t talk much, but he can tell him what he thinks is worth it and handed over.
After that he was... kinda deeply moved.
I said it´s said we only meet on health-issues, to which he only kinda grunted.
Maybe some kind of change is in the air?

Oh. He´s also very, very clear about some behaviour concerning waiting too long with some things (like visits to the doc) - I´m so with him!
Was good to talk to him.
Is - as weird as that sounds - never like talking to a stranger.
Last time we talked was in 2008!

I feel better now.
Still afraid, though.

On A Lighter Note/Health Update

Could you resist this cute face?
(We´ll buy a cute picture frame for him soon)

Miele had a campaign years ago with this baer advertising for their washing machines.
The slogan goes: "We bet you won´t ever give him away - otherwise you get your money back".

And guess what Ingo/the staff got from his boss back then for Christmas?

Guess ours is the only one still around.
Here he sits, our Mielebaer... on our new Miele-Washing Machine! Because...

" 'Only Miele, Miele' said the aunt, who knew all the washing-machines "

My cheap one was still ok, silent, too - but took forever and ever and you never knew how long it´ll take. With a wooden floor (except kitchen/bathroom) you don´t go away whilst it´s running.
I gave it to a student.

---

Can you believe this pic was taken not even two weeks ago?
When our lives were easy(er)-going, healthwise?

Ingo: Water in the lungs, pancreas seems to be ok - which is weird. His blood-quality is bad, and he is still in a lot of pain. He had an X-ray computed tomography today and hopefully tomorrow he´ll know more.
The data he´s got so far is also on the way to his Bro (doctor).

Mum... it´s all so different to how Cancer ate up my Dad.
She is absolutely clear mind-wise, she get´s no drugs (yet).
She had the second dose of radiation therapy today. A little tired, that´s all.
Breathing is still difficult, too.
We went to the cafeteria, slowly, had something to eat and drink, chatted... as if everything was fine.
Just... we do not fight the cause, just the symptoms. So... it´s just a matter of time, I suppose.

Still so unreal...

Sweet Idea

Google gives honor to Freddie Mercury with a little Google-movie, featuring Freddie.

He´d turn 65 today.

"Don´t Stop Me Now"... Wisely chosen.
Wonder with what Freddie would´ve come up - so many new possibilities...

Only the Good die young, sadly true.

Happy Birthday, Freddie...

Sad Frustration

This is exactly how I feel atm. I´m in a sandy desert in desperate need of water.

Not only is my Mum dying.
Ingo is very sick, too.

I was allowed to take 3 days off last week, Tue to Thur.
Monday we went into the city, despite the bad news concerning my Mum.

Tue then I went to Bro and Mum and when I came home... I found Ingo in pain on the sofa.
This was what I found every evening since then.
This happens from time to time, usually after a while Ingo gets better.

Not this time!
At first Ingo was optimistic - today was supposed to be (and is) a hot and sunny day.
He invited his parents over for the bike-tour we wanted to take this whole "summer".
Tonight he got up several times to take pain-killers and this morning he called his Mum to cancel the tour.
Oh, certainly... it´s the first weekend in September - time for the traditional Magnifest.

I am in fear for Ingo.
And I am so angry, too.
Went groceries-shopping, saw all the guys packing up their bikes, laughing, having fun.

Whilst I see my Mum dying and fear the future with Ingo.

Whilst Bro can come home to his wife and get some hugs to stay sane, I have no one to lean on to but the damn fear.

Let me tell you what just happened. Ingo got up.
"I had bought some stuff to make tea, where is that?"

I search the first place, find it in the second, bend down to get the water boiler and place it where I always do.

"Why do you put it here???!!! Put it over there, there is more space!!!"

Wonder where the strenghs came from to be that mad at me...

I get the heavy bowl to pestle the caraway - and I´m certainly not doing it well enough.

"Am I supposed to do the heavy work???! Aww, just.go.away!"

I wanna scream and run away, I feel so hurt!

As if I knew what pain is.

YES, I KNOW THAT! I had terrible pain in my arm for half a year, no one believed me and in the end they had to replace a part of my bone in my arm with a bit from the hip-bone. My arm-bone rotted away in me - that was pain.

I understand he is in pain.
But I am, too.

It.hurts. to see first your Father then your Mother being eaten up by Cancer.
It hurts to be left alone with that.

Life is not fair, again. I am tired, exhausted.
Really, can I runaway from it all?

The darn sand in that pic above is the sickness all around me. The water this man is looking for is a hug, some kind words I´m longing for.
Again, I feel left alone with my fear, with my hurting.
I don´t wish anyone anything bad - but... maybe things would be different if it wouldn´t only be me experienting sickness all around and being the "healthy" one in the middle.

Is There Hope?

Today Mum wasn´t feeling well - weather had changed, she could hardly breathe.
For each meal she gets extra-calories - I found heaps of the stuff in her little fridge.

What can I say?
Chemotherapy isn´t possible due to her (lack of) weight, radiant exposure is all they can do anyway. They fight the symptoms, not the illness - start is on Monday.
The more calories she gets, the more cancer takes of her anyways.

We have very little hope.
At least we finished her apartment today.

Guess working together was a good therapy for Bro and me.
Seeing his family helped, too.
Little Niece made it all better. Today she learned what coffee is.
Bro the other day gave me coffee in a cup she always got warm milk in - she.wanted.that.cup. Again and again. Logically.
Today we had smaller cups, so she could smell the coffee - and immediately turned her head away in disgust - win!
Tomorrow, I´m off to work again.

On the way back today I run into a massive traffic jam.
I followed others on the illegally used emergency lane to the near exit, hoping there is no police yet (was 700 m), but on the rural road it wasn´t much better at first!

Lucky me, huh? See the blog´s title and the pic above - though this isn´t a Ten without Ham, I had had only half a Pizza for lunch and hence didn´t go hungry on the late way home :-)

Funny thing was - in the end I was as fast as via highway without traffic jam.
And each evening I found a parking space in our quarter!

Thanks to SIL´s new (used) Skoda, Bro detected: Also my Polo has cruise control - used it the first time yesterday. At first it was really, really freaky - but now I love it!

Well. Let´s see what the future brings.
I hope Mum can at least celebrate her 70´s Birthday on 19th this month and be aware of it.
Hope all her still living and healthier Siblings make it over.

That Ingo is sick doesn´t help.
I feel exhausted.