No matter what I do, it´s never good enough.
I feel like I just wanna hide someplace, run away, I can no more.
I know I should keep this for myself. I know others are off way worse. But here I sit, door closed and I feel like I need to scream.
Which ,of course, you cannot do if you live in an apartment, in the city.
So. He has been told 40% die of pancreatitis. By whom? Dunno.
His brother told him when they do an operation and it goes well, it´s good. When they manage the same operation going well twice, that´s great and that a lot of failures happen.
That the way Ingo´s pancreatitis develops is a first to them and they are merely experimenting.
And, well, it´s weekend, guess what, he´s in more pain than before. Somehow this was to be expected, kinda, no? It´s always weekend, when there are no real doctors available.
Somehow the responsibility goes kinda over to me, at least it feels that way?
Plus, he tells me he´s in pain since last Saturday. Hello?! Last Saturday?
When I asked if he kept that a secret from the doctors he said, "yeah, I made a little dance for them".
That was when I left.
So much scary information - or rather anti-information and then going all sarcastic.
What does he want???? Does he feel better when I am scared till I can no more?
Yes. I should go over and ask if he needs something. But somehow no one ever asks if I need something. Like, a friendly word for a change. Ok, that´s not true. There are times when he admits he´s nasty and says he´s sorry for it, too.
I can understand that being in pain and for so long makes you that way. But I also wanna be understood. It´s not easy for me either. All I can do is bring stuff, try to stay friendly and help as much as I can - but it just never is good enough.
As if he ´can´t understand that seeing him suffer hurts me also. Being helpless hurts.
Great. Now I got headache.
Would it make me better to post this? Just throw it away?
Maybe soon I can just laugh about how I feel today because everything turns out fine after all?
Can´t I make a jump into the future to see? Do I want that?
5 comments:
Oh Iris! I think it's good you post it, good to get your head clear. I wish you well and strength, you are certainly in a difficult situation. How long for more I can't say, but just look after yourself ok. Hugs!
((Hugs)) It must be so hard to live with someone with chronic pain/illness. Poor Ingo, still having pain. I am sorry that he's taking out his pain and frustrations on you, and making you feel helpless. Hope he gets some relief from the pain soon, and remembers to treat those who love him better!
Iris, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's so often that the person in your position is forgotten about by the very people you are caring for. It's too bad Ingo is letting his pain blind him so. I cannot say I wouldn't behave the same way, but it doesn't make it right. I am sending you thoughts of strength, warmth, peace and health. It's important for you to blog this stuff, and not hold it in. If you hold it in, you could end up developing illness sympmtoms of your own. Post away and keep your mind as unfettered as possible. You have enough on your plate caring for Ingo - and if you're not emotionally healthy, well ... you cannot be your best Iris. AND -- you MUST be your own best friend/parent to yourself right now. Does that make sense? If ever you need to vent, please ... email me. Hugs, Wendy
Oh you poor thing! Ditto what the others have said and big ((HUGS)) for you. I have a family member with a chronic illness and he totally takes it out on those around him. Remember to take care of you while you're trying to take care of him too and schedule yourself some time out, even if it's just going to the gym each day. Again, ((HUGS)) to you, and some for Ingo too.
Oh thank you guys so very much! You really do help me a lot with this!
I feel better already and spent the day just by myself without feeling too egoistic about it, thank you all for your words and hugs, I hug you back!
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